and so i kept living…

When I was 16, I attempted suicide. For months I thought about dying, it was almost a day-dream. I longed for it, and I felt confident I was ready. I planned the day and time almost a week and a half before I attempted suicide. The plan was set so I could know if I was going to change my mind. It was Sunday morning, and I hadn’t. I went to my parent’s room to the drawer I’d visited many times before–where they kept the handgun, but it wasn’t there. I had never been angrier, and so I kept living.

Things were kind of a blur from there, and they came back into focus when I was at the hospital. I spent hours being interviewed by who I assume were doctors. I still felt so angry that there wasn’t a gun in that drawer. I was finally told that I was being admitted to the behavioral unit, and I was handcuffed to a wheelchair. I was pushed by a tall man to a door that opened into a long hallway. We entered the hallway, and as the heavy doors locked shut, I thought about how I could die. The hallway was long, and there were no windows. My mind raced through every way I could act out to get this man to kill me. There would be no witnesses because it was only us in a long hallway…what could I do or say that would get him to do what I wanted to so badly? Nothing. The exit door swung open, and we were at the entrance of the behavioral unit, and so I kept living.

At that point, living was not my choice, but one day it was. After I had returned home from my mission, I thought about what I wanted and what I needed. I had spent the more part of five years wanting to die, but I was still here. I realized that I believed in very little. I didn’t believe in people, and I didn’t believe I’d have support in my future. I realized that hadn’t changed since my first suicide attempt, and then I thought that if I wanted to keep living, I NEEDED to believe in something. I believed in God; I was sure of that, so I asked God what I needed. I found I needed to believe that my future could be happy and that support would surround me, and that’s when things changed. I kept living because I knew what I needed. It was not what I wanted, but for now, it would do.

 

Image result for “We are all a people in need. We are not perfect. We are not machines. We make mistakes. We need grace. We need compassion. We need help at times. We need other people. And that’s okay.”

 

Today I can recognize that I always had support and that I always had a bright future, and I’m glad I kept living. There were times that I felt others were so selfish for making me live–If they knew what I was feeling, they would not force me to stay. There were times when I felt lonely, and others moments I was angry. I even had times that I felt happy, but it never really stayed around very long. But, today I can say that I have others around me, and they support me. When I find myself crying, I have people to help me. I find God’s love for me in the hard-working hands of my husband. I find happiness in the squeals of my daughter, and I find joy in living.

 

wspd16

 

Don’t get me wrong; my life is not perfect. My life is not always happy, and I’m not always confident in myself or others. I have more sad days than I’d like to admit, and way more than I’d like to have…but I’m not angry I’m alive anymore. I’ve found that “and so I kept living” has turned into “I’m glad I am living.” And more than anything, I want that for everyone else. I know that it gets hard and that the thought of living one more minute with all of that pain feels too exhausting. I can never fully know your story or your struggle, and I’m sorry for that. One thing I know for sure, though; I will never know enough of your story if you don’t live. No one else can tell your story the way you can, and I want to hear it. The world wants to hear it, and so I’m hoping you’ll stay. I am hoping you’ll find that what you need is to believe that you have a happy future. I’m hoping you’ll stay long enough to find your people. I am hoping you’ll find joy in living, and I’m hoping you’ll tell me how. The world needs your life as inspiration, not your death.
wspd16k

4 comments on “and so i kept living…

  1. This is a beautiful write-up! My oldest brother took his life in 2012 and I sure wish I had known the rest of his story. I’m glad you have chosen to find the happiness in this life each day with the Lord and others. He cares! He knows us so intimately and wants us to succeed!! ?

    • Kristy,

      I’m so sorry about your brother! So much is lost in suicide; It’s excruciating and really is only made better through Christ! I hope you’re doing well!

      (I have to apologize that I’m just getting to reply… there have been a lot of blog problems around here!)

      Take care,

      Kassie

  2. This is one of the most beautiful stories!
    One my my closest, closest friends took her life a few months ago. I wish I could have shared this with her before she left.

    • Erin,

      I am SO sorry for your loss! I hope you’re coping well and finding strength through her story! Please be sure to share it with those you feel need to hear it!

      (Side note… Lot’s of problems with my blog! Sorry I’m just now getting this reply to work!)

      Take care and reach out to anyone who can help if you ever need support!

      Kassie

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