I’m laying here thinking about my testimony… What do I know? What do believe? What resonates through my body as the truth? This is something I’ve been scared to ask for a while now. You see, I couldn’t count the things that “have gone wrong” in my life. I seem to dwell on these things, and I probably notice them more than most, not because I’ve had more than my fair share in life, but because, some may call me a pessimist, that I “believe that the evil or hardships in life outweigh the good or luxuries”… Sometimes, that may be slightly true, but tonight I figured something out. While some may say my faith has been shaken during these last few years, I would say I disagree. There are TWO things I’ve believed more than anything in the last three plus years and here is what they are…
NATE IS THE MAN IM SUPPOSED TO BE WITH. No one else.
I WAS PUT ON THIS EARTH TO HAVE A FAMILY WITH HIM.
How is it that I know this? It starts from the day I married him, when we both saw the six, yes six, empty chairs in the front row if the temple, and we knew they were not empty, but filled with our children. If I would have been there with any other man, we would not have received this confirmation on our wedding day that we were MEANT to be together. Those six beautiful children chose us to be their parents. And I know without a doubt they felt our love for one another that day, as well as our love for them.
I’m realizing tonight that everything I’ve done has been for Nate, and those six children. I have fallen off the wagon, lost my way, and stumbled blindly back on path… But everything has been about them. This is not because I am ungrateful for what I have. It’s not because I don’t “live in the now,” but, instead, “live in the future” to find happiness– it’s because God made me to bring six children into Nate’s family. I don’t know how or when they will come to us, but tonight I realize I do know, and always have known that they will come.
I believe that God has a plan for Nate and me, and that plan includes more happiness than I can comprehend. “I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.”
I don’t know why this is happening to us, I don’t one why not only us but those who love us have to suffer through this loss with us, but I know that God loves me. That he has, and always will love me.
Tonight I realize infertility is not a punishment to me, it is an act of love from God. He is here with me crying each night as I search for answers. He cries when I ask him why. He cries when our family wonders what is happening, because all he wants is to give us the desires of our hearts, but for our own good, he can’t…yet. Two things come to mind as I ponder tonight, one is the following scripture…